Wednesday, April 22, 2015


//no proofread, grammar mistake prone, read with bliss. 

I start to acknowledge that I have some kind of condition that had plagued me for a while. I'm not sure when this condition started but it surely did bothered me during my university life. I don't exactly have the whole idea of what caused it but my best bet would be anxiety. 

I have this condition where I know that I am capable of doing something but when it comes to really doing it I sort of lost the touch and flunked it. When I told my friend about it she was like "you don't seem like the one who would flunk". More or less that's what she said. 

I am particularly good in my studies, not the best, but just good. Not trying to brag but I would attribute that to my past efforts and teachers. I like to keep a very high concentration in class and participate if possible. I like asking questions sometimes just to feed the clueless worm inside of me. However when it comes to assessment, I can't seem to get my souls in place. At least for some of the subjects.

There is an 'afraid' inside of me. An 'afraid' that essentially causes cracks and dents on my foundation. "I'm afraid that I can't answer the question.", "I'm afraid that I can't remember the facts", etc etc etc. I believe most of us experienced before the fear in the examination hall where you just go blank and your heart starts to fall apart. I guess I could relate that with anxiety, the anxiety that I would fail and not be able to score. 

When our life are controlled by test marks, bands, GPAs and CGPAs, we let them control our mind on how we look at things. What is the purpose of higher education? Heck, what is the purpose of education at all? You can Google that and I can surely say it does not talk about marks at all. 

In the current world, the best of the best wins. Whether its the high-paying job you've always wanted or the perfect company to work in, they always want the best, so as you. But how to be the best of the best? Apparently one of the winning criteria is having a high CGPA. That is why people would cheat and beat to get them. 

I have let myself to dwell in that concept and constantly tries to strain myself to be the student that has high CGPA. I guess that's the pressure that I sustained throughout the years and finally caught up with my condition. Idk, I'm no doctor or psychiatrist. 

Students like us are expected to learn about difficult subjects in just 14 weeks (belum minus holiday lagi) and goes through assessments by assessments before waking up to the final examination at the end of the semester. I'm not trying to overthrow the education system but let's face it, most of the time we do not even remember what we learnt on previous semesters (unless we need it in the current semester!). 

Maybe that, coupled with peer pressure and personal pressure that I had developed such condition. Maybe I need to be more lenient with myself. Maybe I need to start working hard but steadily. Maybe I need to look at my purpose of study again. Maybe I need to start sorting my priorities. I guess its good to do a checklist of yourself on yourself from time to time, just to make sure you are on track... for whatever road you are on.