Monday, May 25, 2015

Alternative you, same universe

//bathroom thoughts, w/o proofread.

Have you ever thought that you were different when in a different group? Surely you have thought about it and experienced it before. It's not a really weird thing to to act differently in groups that you are not familiar or uncomfortable with. It just occurred to me that when you are acting differently in a certain group (whether you are really uncomfortable or not), is that your fake self or true self? 

You're confused? I am too.

Say you are in a group of friends that you know for a very long time and there is basically nothing that you do not of each and everyone of them. Surely it is clear that one should feel absolutely comfortable with this kind of group. You can talk and do whatever you want to these "besties" and no hard feelings will be felt. Pretty cool.

Put yourself in another group of friends that you have known for maybe few months, just barely know past each other's secondary school education. You might feel some slight of awkwardness and you tend to hold on what you want to say, fearing that you might hurt other's feeling. 

It seems to everyone that we are ourselves when we are with our comfort friends and less ourselves when we are not. However. somehow I feel that in both of these situation we tend to lose a bit of ourselves, even if it means to be with friends you've known all your life. 

Consider this, you are letting go too much when you are comfortable and holding up too much when you aren't. 

How much of us, is really us? Is 90% of the you, you? Do people actually know how to differentiate the you in the comfort group and the you in the other? 

When your comfort friends saw you with your new friends, they might be like "oh how come he is so submissive? That's totally not him!", or when your new friends saw you with your comfort friends, they might be like "oh my god, I didn't know he was like that!". 

You might be thinking, surely, the comfort friends knew you more than the new friends do. Therefore they know the "real" you more than your new friends do. Most of us tend to think like that. We consider time as a quantity to measure how much someone knows us. 

Frankly, time doesn't. 

It usually involves several factors such as love, care, bonds and more. Sometimes there are friends that you knew for a long time but yet you can't fully grasp what they would do. We can't always say that we are us when we are with our comfort friends. It isn't. 

So when are we, we? 

If there is an answer to it, I would say its solitary. Solitude is a great way of expressing yourself. Without the influences of both side of the straw we can really explore the inner self and be ourselves. It is no surprise that some solitude goes a long way in discovering yourself. Before we acknowledge that others know the real us, do we really know the real us? I doubt. Sometimes I can't even figure out what I want (heart vs logic brain). You might be different though, I don't know. I'm no scientist. But one thing for sure, the real you is inside of yourself and only you can fully appreciate yourself. 

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Making decisions

//no proofread, read with open mind! 6-8 minutes read

We make decisions everyday, whether you realise it or not. What's for lunch, where to have it at, who to have it with and et cetera. These trivial decisions are often overlooked and doesn't really impact our lives all that much (not that having hamburger for lunch will decide who your fiance is). How about those life-changing decisions that you have to make? Those two choose one decisions? That's ought to give some thought about it.

Making these important decisions sometimes got me scared. What if things gone south and I should have chosen the other option? Which outweighs the other? I should had hoped for a fortune teller. 

(images from

Remember the saying that if you are pondering about something, toss a coin and at that moment when the coin is in the air turning its head and tail around, you'd actually know you wanted? That works most of the time but you seriously can't make a decision that would change your life course with a coin. 

I am not here to offer you a solution but just wanted to share some of my past experience (not that its any remarkable).

This year's Chinese New Year was a notable one. I believe I'd remember it and would talk about it endlessly. My new semester begins early this year, which is on the fifth day of CNY (I get to spend the whole CNY in 2014 before my semester begun). I had to go back on the first day of semester because I need to register for my degree. It requires me to attend personally as I need to hand in all the documents plus settle paperworks and obviously my parents cannot do that for me. I was in between of choosing to stay over at the hostel or go back and enjoy CNY visitation with my dear friends. Needless to say I chose the latter because my subjects weren't arranged yet due to credit exemption issues. *plus slight bias towards my personal amusement*

I followed my dad home and I was excited to finally be able to visit more houses with my friends. Unfortunately it was a Monday when I got back to KL and most of my friends were not free till the weekend. So I thought I'd endured the few days and wait for coming Saturday.

Somehow I wasn't feeling well the night after I got back. Feeling sluggish and slight fever, I thought my body lacked water and was just dehydration. I was wrong. Turns out I contracted dengue fever, for the second time. 

My first time was in 2007, on Malaysia's 50th Independence anniversary. I remember that pretty well, very well in fact. Our school got invited to be part of the celebration of the Independence Day so my class were selected to be part of the marching etc. I was very excited as well cause we can skip the class for a whole month (or more) because we need to practice for it. I thought this might be a good opportunity for me to court girls get to know others and make memories out of it. Unfortunately I got bitten by a bloody mosquito and stayed at hospital for a week. Needless to say I was unable to join the team and spend my unfortunate days in other classes with my other friends. I was deeply saddened. 

Back to the dengue fever this year, I somehow wanted to curse the hell out of whole generation of mosquitoes. I missed the visitation with my friends, spent a week or more at the hospital, missed my classes and even get to stay at the ICU for a day or two, JACKPOT! I regretted my decision of coming back but my friend and families convinced me that I would otherwise spend my hospital days in Pahang and would trouble my parents to come all the way to fetch me back to the hospital in Ampang. It would seem that I was bitten in my uni. 

Got back on the third week of the semester, struggled a while and got back on track afterwards. 

If there's another decision worth mentioning is my decision to admit into UMP, a public institution in Pahang. You might recall the anti-witchcraft or the anti-hysteria kit. Yup, that's my uni. I did not know I enrolled in Hogwarts. 

Back in 2012, I was offered Diploma in Mechanical Engineering at Universiti Malaysia Pahang (UMP). I remember the date was 7th of May because that is the day of my friends' birthday. Alas, I was disappointed. To be honest I only applied for UPU hoping to be enrolled in one of the most prestigious engineering public university in Malaysia, UTM. Its well known and is one of the oldest higher education institution in Malaysia. I thought that I would never accepted the offer and turned my head to UTP, of which I had already applied and interviewed for. On the day of the interview I did not perform, I was nervous. That caused me to be turned down by UTP in the end. 

I could have chosen to be like others; taking foundation or A levels (STPM is not my thing at all) and proceed to any other private institutions. But I wanted to save money for my parents. A degree in public institutions generally cost around 10k or less. I remember HELP university offers degree in mechanical engineering for 60k+- with certificate from University of Hertfordshire*. I was seriously considering that. Seeing the fees and weighted my options, I chose the path that I did not know what I was into. I enrolled into UMP on 16th of June with a high school mate of mine. 

It has almost been three years now and I am ending my first semester of my degree here soon. Finished my diploma and waiting for the convocation in October. I'd say I wouldn't regret coming here because I get to know some excellent mates albeit annoying ones and also some of the most knowledgeable lecturers I ever seen. I do believe that this decision is much more fruitful and has a better ending than the dengue case. 

There's a downside to everything but if we managed to see it through we'll be alright. 

This reminds me of a story from a book. 
A young man was living in the valley for a long time and always longed to go to the peak. One day he courageously took the first step and embarked towards the peak. Through hardships he finally reached the peak but it was night already. He was disappointed and said "Missed it!", only to hear a voice nearby saying "Missed what?". He saw an old man and said he missed the sunset view from the peak that he was anticipating. That old man laughed and asked him to look at the skies. He was in awe. It was full of stars.

Those that felt familiarity, this is a part from the book 'Peaks and Valleys'. Got it as my birthday present from a very dear friend of mine. 

This post has been a long one and thank you for staying till the end, hope you enjoyed it!